The Trouble With The Nationals


Dear Nationals Fan,

Well, hello.

Would you look at us … me, the eternal optimist Orioles fan, holding the door open for you (again) as you step into the train of Off-Season Losers.

Embed from Getty Images

Welcome aboard. We’ve been expecting you.

But, look at the bright side. Twenty-seven other teams will be bunking here with us this winter. (There’s only one team that won’t get on the Loser Train. And, I hope it’s the Braves … they’re jam-packed with former Orioles, you know.)

Beloved One-Time Oriole Nick Markakis!

Anyway, we’ll be a train filled with all sorts of cool people. Losers. But, cool. Think of all the fun we’ll have!

© The Baseball Bloggess

Mike Trout! He’s already here.

And, look, there’s Jacob deGrom. His pitching might be Cy Young worthy, but he pulled in early with the rest of the Mets to get a good seat.

(But not as good a seat as me! I’ve been here for weeks now. Weeks.)

(Months.)

There’s no shame in the Loser Train.

(There is shame. I’m just trying to make you feel better.)

Everyone expected the Orioles to be here. The Orioles were losers from Day One.

Oh, wait, what? Sports Illustrated predicted the Nationals would win the World Series?

Really?

Sports Illustrated, April 2018

Well, that’s embarrassing.

(Can I just take a moment to note that my crack team of baseball “experts” predicted in April that the Colorado Rockies would win the World Series? You laughed and laughed. With five games left, the Rockies are currently heading to the post-season. The Nationals are not. So, in fairness, even if the Rockies don’t make the post-season, my team of experts — which included a cat — are still way smarter than Sports Illustrated. Which I always knew.)

And, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Sports Illustrated just threw you under the bus.

Brrr … Did it just get really cold in here?

We’ve discussed the Nationals’ problems before, you and me, but you don’t listen.

You don’t believe that your Racing Presidents could be part of your problem. (They are.) Or, that little thing about the camels your manager brought to Spring Training? (Big mistake.)

So, let’s talk about one other problem that plagues your team.

It’s you.

Embed from Getty Images

Even George is a little disappointed in you.

Let me explain this in a way that you Washington insiders will understand – with statistics that have the air of truth to them but are entirely made up.

Here’s the deal – it’s you, dear Nationals Fan. It’s you and your fake Natitude. #FakeNats

Let’s break it down.

90% of you aren’t from Washington. You’re from somewhere else. Places that you cheekily refer to as “Outside The Beltway,” but we baseball fans know them by their other names …

Wrigleyville, Red Sox Nation, Dodgertown, CubsLand, TwinsCity …

You get the picture. You might be wearing a curly W on your cap, but underneath your Bryce Harper jersey is … a retired Jason Werth jersey. But underneath that is a fraying Red Sox tee-shirt that you’ve been wearing since high school.

That’s 90 percent of you. You’re only cheering for the Nationals because they aren’t playing the team you really cheer for.

Some of you Natterlings have already stopped reading this to go check on cheap flights to Chicago’s post-season … or Boston’s. See. I knew you were just fakers. #FakeNats

The other 10 percent of you?

That other 10 percent have been in Washington for awhile. You know who you are. And, you know who you were.

You were Orioles fans. You zipped up I-95 … or took the far easier BW Turnpike … all summer long back then.

You parked at Lake Montibello, just a quick walk to Memorial Stadium. You knew that parking lot was there because Roll Call, the newspaper for wonky Washingtonians, told you it was there. Today, the Camden Marc train takes you from Union Station straight to Camden Yards. You know the route. You cheered for the Orioles. You drank cheap Natty Boh beers and you cheered for Eddie Murray. You cheered for Cal Ripken.

You spelled out O-R-I-O-L-E-S between innings and sang “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” even though you aren’t and that song is stupid.

Fun Fact: National Bohemian – Natty Boh – beer is now owned by Pabst Blue Ribbon. It is not brewed in Baltimore.

And then in 2005, as soon as the Nationals came to town, you dumped the O’s. You dumped the American League. The O’s were there for you when DC had no team. But, as soon as you had the chance you dumped them.

No one likes a dumper. #FakeNats

That’s the problem, NattyBoo. There are no real Nationals fans … there are just kinda-sorta Nationals fans.

There’s another team you really love. Or, a team you cruelly jilted.

Everyone knows there’s another team in your heart. You are #FakeNats. And, until you fix that, the Nationals will be cursed. By you.

And, the camels. But, also you. But, mostly the camels. (And, you.)

Anyway, no hard feelings. Climb aboard Nats fans. You’re losers just like us.

Oh no, don’t sit there. I’m saving that seat for the Yankees.

Sincerely, Your Friend Who Cares So Much For You That She Has To Tell You The Truth Because It’s For Your Own Good, The Baseball Bloggess

P.S. Never Trust A Camel.

21 thoughts on “The Trouble With The Nationals

  1. As a fan of team who dumped Dusty Baker after he led them to the playoffs (Reds!), it’s amazing to me how many teams have faltered after dumping the toothpick-chewing old man. No, he’s probably not going to win you a World Series, but Dusty will at least give you a regular season worth watching. By the way, my team joined your train looooong ago!

  2. That made me smile. I used to be a Senators fan and never really got over their leaving. Then in the mid 80s, we finally moved to a city with baseball (Atlanta) and the family became Braves fans. This was when they stunk (you know, before they got that great stable of pitchers). After moving back to the metro area in 90, we were still die hard Braves fans driving to Phili and Baltimore to catch games when we could. Then Ted Turner sold TBS/the team and TV coverage virtually stopped. So after being abandoned by two teams, I’ve been slow to get back into baseball and didn’t jump on the Nationals bandwagon when they came to town. I may become a Nationals fan (the real kind) one day if they decide to stick around but I can’t really get behind any American League team since I like to see the pitcher hit. But if I did root for the O’s, they’d probably leave like the Senators and the Colts.

  3. Thank you for highlighting our Rockies! The team is having fun again and we are ever hopeful that it continues to carry us into Rocktober. What I love most is the 2007 and 2009 team mates coming around to relive our 25 year old franchise and to cheer along with the fans. May your Os have a better year and belong to the post season band wagon in 2019.

  4. There are so many good chortles in this post. As a Cubs fan I had a season pass to ride the Losers Train for many a year. None of the passengers ever asked why the train never left the station, but then it had nowhere to go.

  5. I think you’re on to something here with the FakeNats thing. I’m a total FakeNats fan, I guess. My first team is the White Sox. I started cheering for the Nationals when they drafted Strasburg and Harp. They are my fave NL team but yeah, I’m bummed about this year. Let’s hope Harp re-signs with D.C.!!!

      • I’m with you Jackie! IF he leaves, I hope he goes to L.A. I love the Dodgers history. I even own a Brooklyn hat. However, if he signs with the Cubs I will probably go in a deep depression for a long time, never to recover.

    • I kind of feel sorry for the Nats and their transient fan base. Whenever the Nats play a team like the Giants or Cubs … you can see it’s a pretty mixed group of fans. You just know that 15,000 fans from San Francisco didn’t just fly in for a midweek game … it’s Nats fans who aren’t from DC who are cheering for the team they really love. That’s gotta hurt. I love going to the O’s/Nats games at Nats Park … O’s fans often outnumber the Nats fans. Fun!

  6. #FakeNats Love It. I like that ball park but you’re right. Went last year to see them play my Yankees and half the place was rooting for the Yankees (but then you know us Yankees fans are like roaches. WE ALL OVER THE PLACE!) I am so happy for Nick Markakis , he deserves to be in the playoffs even if it is with Atlanta (Talk about fake fans). Every fan base no matter what the sport seems to have what I call #FugazyFans.

    • Washington, DC is such a transient town, that the Nats, I think, will always suffer with fans who cheer them by default. I’m very happy for Nick, too … I thought that Atlanta had a pretty strong fan base. Their AAA team was based in Richmond for many years and a strong Braves fan base is still here in Virginia. This off-season, I’ll root for any former Oriole … so I hope that Zach Britton does well for your Yankees.

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