The Wrong Day for New Years, Fire Monkeys, & The Most Amazing Thing On The Internet

New Year’s Day is a fraud.

What’s so new about December 32? It’s wintertime and I can look outside and there’s nothing new growing out in our yard. (With the exception of the confused – and kinda-sorta blooming – forsythia which is saying in its own yellow-flowered way, “Why the hell is it 50 degrees out?”)


The forsythia, blooming inappropriately, blows my theory that there’s nothing new about this New Year’s Day. But, for lots of us in the Northern Hemisphere, January 1 is really just looking out at empty trees and the remnants of last summer lying in the yard. Pretty barren.


(This is especially obvious here in our yard where we don’t rake up leaves. We will tell you that we do this as an environmentally conscious effort to re-compost the leaves’ nutrients to the earth. Really, we’re just lazy.)

(Next time you think you ought to spend your weekend doing yard work or household chores that require power tools or overalls, just kick back and don’t bother. You can think, “Sure, I’m a layabout, but The Baseball Bloggess is way lazier than me.” You’re welcome.)

New Year’s Resolutions are as stupid as this made-up holiday.

Why can’t you make a resolution on November 17? Or, if your plan is to exercise more or lose weight, why not in summer, when opportunities for working out outside and eating more leanly and cleanly are easier to find?

(My New Year’s Resolution – to not eat crickets. And, don’t try to hide cricket powder in cookies.)

cricket cookies

I’m keeping my resolution.

Why isn’t New Year’s Day your birthday? After all, it’s the start of YOUR new year.

Jarrett Parker

© The Baseball Bloggess

Happy New Year, Jarrett Parker, one-time Richmond Squirrel and current San Francisco Giant, who turns 27 today!

Why isn’t New Year’s Day on Opening Day? That’s my new year. And, it’s just 92 days away.

(There’s nothing new in Baltimore, by the way. Catchers and pitchers report February 18 and the Orioles still don’t have a full starting pitching rotation. Do not joke with me and say, “You didn’t really have one last season either.” I don’t need your lip.)

(I’m not even sure the Orioles could cobble together a full outfield if they had to – unless you can play right field. Can you? Really, I’m serious, because if you can, I bet we can work something out. You play cheap, right?).

Smart people will tell you that, with the winter solstice a few weeks ago, the days are getting longer so we really are in a growing period.

But, back around 2000 BC, the Mesopotamians would celebrate their new year in the springtime, so see, I’m just old school.

New Years in Tibet will come on February 8. The date of Tibet’s New Year, Losar, changes from year to year as it roams around with the moons, but at least it tries to be close to spring.

February 8 marks the start of the Tibetan year of the Fire Monkey.

There really ought to be a minor league team called the Fire Monkeys.

I wanted to show you a video of a monkey to illustrate this.

But, then I found this. This is why the Internet is amazing. I’m going to stop now so you can watch it. Happy December 32.


UPDATE: Wait … There’s more! Here’s my “New” Year’s Day followup: What’s New, Pussycat? Nothing on January 1, That’s For Sure.