It was a long shot. You know, asking Texas teams to knock the Toronto Blue Jays and Kansas City Royals out of the post season. Knock them out for no good reason, except, really, for spite.
Spitefulness is not an attractive character trait. I know this, so you can stop with the nose-crinkling.
As an Orioles fan, I can’t root for the Royals who soundly steamrolled the O’s in last year’s ALCS and I can’t root for the Blue Jays because … if for no other reason than their fans always seem to be throwing their beer around and I can’t like an untidy country.
Even the players begged fans to stop throwing beer. And, they’re a team that likes throwing bats and stuff.
I had hopes for those pesky Houston Astros. I really thought they could squeeze past the Royals.
But, they let me down.
The Texas Rangers over the Blue Jays? Hey, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But, a girl can dream.
Now, I realize, you just can’t count on Texas.
It is a very big state with, apparently, nothing to show for it.
If you ask the Googler “What is Texas famous for?”, it will tell you … The Alamo, a battle that didn’t go particularly well for the Texans. So really, even Texas can’t come up with anything.
Look, I was only asking a couple of Texas teams to win a couple ball games. And, the Texans let me down. Just like the Alamo.
Now I’m stuck rooting for the National League, and for heaven’s sake, they let their pitchers bat! What is wrong with those people?
I know some of you hipsters are saying, “Hey, what about Janis Joplin?” Texas was horrible to Janis. They can’t be taking credit for her after they bullied her in high school. (For those who will argue for Buddy Holly … yes, you’ve got a point. But, I’m not letting your thoughtfulness mess up this post.)
I can come up with only three good things to ever come out of the state.
1) Texas Toast.
First off, my local grocery has an entire freezer case – the whole thing! – dedicated to Texas toast.
Imagine that! Those Texas geniuses have saved us the trouble of buttering our own toast! They just freeze the toast with the butter right on it. It’s amazing.
I was feeling kinda bad about trash-talking the state when they’ve gone to all the trouble to freeze toast with the butter already on it.
Then I discovered this. (And, you Texas Toast fans could have told me this and saved me all this trouble.) It’s not even toast! You still have to take your frozen butter-bread and toast the thing yourself. Which just goes to prove my point. You can’t count on Texas for anything.
Look! Even the Texas Toast is rooting for the Mets!
So, we’re left with …
2) Chris Davis, (born in Longview and now lives in Arlington, Texas).
The (still, for the time-being) Orioles’ Chris Davis hit 47 homeruns this season. That’s more than anyone else.
47 homers. This is one of them.
It wasn’t enough to get the Orioles to the post-season, but it was enough to help give the O’s a solid break-even .500 season, which, when you set the bar very low, isn’t so bad.
Davis is now a free agent, and most baseball smarties believe he will flee Baltimore for the bright lights of a multi-year, multi-million-million-million-dollar payday. Can’t blame him. But, if he does, he’s coming off this list … tossed right beside the unreliable Astros, Rangers, and those boxes of Texas “toast.”
3) Doak Dozier (Ft. Worth).
Doak Dozier is a freshman outfielder at the University of Virginia. With only a few “fall ball” exhibitions under his belt this month, I can’t tell you much about his abilities. But, scouts think he’s got potential.
He has, they say, “outstanding hitting ability. … Always hits.”
At Arlington Heights High School, he was a baseball star, All-State, and named a “Perfect Game” All-American. Here’s what they were saying during this year’s draft.
I just think he has one of the best names in baseball.
(Not as good as Mookie, of course, but better than Hunter Pence.)
That’s really all it takes to make this list today.
In case you think I haven’t done my research, trust me. I now know that silicone breast implants, Fritos, and Dell computers all come from Texas. (I’m writing this on a Dell. Which makes me think I’m really sticking it to ‘em.)
So, you can’t count on Texas. Except for Chris Davis (as an Oriole, but not playing for anyone else), Doak Dozier, maybe, I really don’t know, but he has a nice name, and Buddy Holly. But, that’s it.
Oh, and those bats in Austin. They’re awesome.