Messin’ With Texas

It was a long shot. You know, asking Texas teams to knock the Toronto Blue Jays and Kansas City Royals out of the post season. Knock them out for no good reason, except, really, for spite.

Spitefulness is not an attractive character trait. I know this, so you can stop with the nose-crinkling.

As an Orioles fan, I can’t root for the Royals who soundly steamrolled the O’s in last year’s ALCS and I can’t root for the Blue Jays because … if for no other reason than their fans always seem to be throwing their beer around and I can’t like an untidy country.

stop throwing things

Even the players begged fans to stop throwing beer. And, they’re a team that likes throwing bats and stuff.

I had hopes for those pesky Houston Astros. I really thought they could squeeze past the Royals.

But, they let me down.

The Texas Rangers over the Blue Jays? Hey, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. But, a girl can dream.

Now, I realize, you just can’t count on Texas.

It is a very big state with, apparently, nothing to show for it.

If you ask the Googler “What is Texas famous for?”, it will tell you … The Alamo, a battle that didn’t go particularly well for the Texans. So really, even Texas can’t come up with anything.

Look, I was only asking a couple of Texas teams to win a couple ball games. And, the Texans let me down. Just like the Alamo.

Now I’m stuck rooting for the National League, and for heaven’s sake, they let their pitchers bat! What is wrong with those people?

I know some of you hipsters are saying, “Hey, what about Janis Joplin?” Texas was horrible to Janis. They can’t be taking credit for her after they bullied her in high school. (For those who will argue for Buddy Holly … yes, you’ve got a point. But, I’m not letting your thoughtfulness mess up this post.)

I can come up with only three good things to ever come out of the state.

1) Texas Toast.

First off, my local grocery has an entire freezer case – the whole thing! – dedicated to Texas toast.

Texas Toast

Imagine that! Those Texas geniuses have saved us the trouble of buttering our own toast! They just freeze the toast with the butter right on it. It’s amazing.

I was feeling kinda bad about trash-talking the state when they’ve gone to all the trouble to freeze toast with the butter already on it.

Then I discovered this. (And, you Texas Toast fans could have told me this and saved me all this trouble.)  It’s not even toast! You still have to take your frozen butter-bread and toast the thing yourself. Which just goes to prove my point. You can’t count on Texas for anything.

New York Texas Toast

Look! Even the Texas Toast is rooting for the Mets!

So, we’re left with …

2) Chris Davis, (born in Longview and now lives in Arlington, Texas).

The (still, for the time-being) Orioles’ Chris Davis hit 47 homeruns this season. That’s more than anyone else.


© The Baseball Bloggess

47 homers. This is one of them.

It wasn’t enough to get the Orioles to the post-season, but it was enough to help give the O’s a solid break-even .500 season, which, when you set the bar very low, isn’t so bad.

Davis is now a free agent, and most baseball smarties believe he will flee Baltimore for the bright lights of a multi-year, multi-million-million-million-dollar payday. Can’t blame him. But, if he does, he’s coming off this list … tossed right beside the unreliable Astros, Rangers, and those boxes of Texas “toast.”

3) Doak Dozier (Ft. Worth).

Doak Dozier is a freshman outfielder at the University of Virginia. With only a few “fall ball” exhibitions under his belt this month, I can’t tell you much about his abilities. But, scouts think he’s got potential.

He has, they say, “outstanding hitting ability. … Always hits.”

“[H]ighly athletic … with a pretty swing and tools to burn.”

Doak Dozier Foul Swing

© The Baseball Bloggess

Nice swing. 

At Arlington Heights High School, he was a baseball star, All-State, and named a “Perfect Game” All-American. Here’s what they were saying during this year’s draft.

I just think he has one of the best names in baseball.


(Not as good as Mookie, of course, but better than Hunter Pence.)

That’s really all it takes to make this list today.

In case you think I haven’t done my research, trust me. I now know that silicone breast implants, Fritos, and Dell computers all come from Texas. (I’m writing this on a Dell. Which makes me think I’m really sticking it to ‘em.)

So, you can’t count on Texas. Except for Chris Davis (as an Oriole, but not playing for anyone else), Doak Dozier, maybe, I really don’t know, but he has a nice name, and Buddy Holly. But, that’s it.

Oh, and those bats in Austin. They’re awesome.


18 thoughts on “Messin’ With Texas

  1. Very funny thank you! Grrr. I tried to watch the ALCS but there is too much emotional baggage from last year. I can’t even pick which team I loathe less so lets just say – I hope both teams lose.

    • My Blue Jays grudge goes back to 1993 and the All-Star Game at Camden Yards, when Cito Gasten wouldn’t put Mike Mussina in the game. I also don’t like the way fans in Toronto throw things at players (including throwing beer at Nate McLouth when he was with the O’s). I wrote about fans (and different rules that each stadium has regarding fan behavior) last year and singled out Toronto which was far and away considered the worst-behaved fan base in baseball.

      Here’s the post … it might give you a laugh:

      So, I guess my dislike of the Blue Jays has longer legs. I was really upset by the Royals last year (and Jeremy Guthrie’s snotty “O’s ain’t Royal” tee shirt), but they’re a scrappy bunch, so I guess if I must choose one, I’ll go with the Royals. But, I’m all-in for the National League once we get to the Series! :)

      • That is HILARIOUS – great post – thank you for the link to it. No full bodysuits in Cinci huh? Its so hard watching the Royals after last year – especially Eric Hosmer who just annoys me so much. But, I begrudgingly give them credit – they are a compelling group (I kinda like Mike Moustakas). So – I’m with you that given a choice I have to go with (gulp) the Royals. Fingers crossed for the Cubbies!

    • — Chili without beans is not chili. It’s just a bowl of meat. Once again Texans are misleading us. (I’ve got a soft spot for Cincinnati style … because, really, pile your chili on top of spaghetti and then slather it with a pound of cheese. You can’t beat that!)

      — Yup, you win on the niece!

      — Lots of vistas that go on forever in North Dakota, too … and, with the exception of Roger Maris and maybe one or two random others, none of them ever got far in the post-season either.

      — Ah ha, the Texans are trying to fool us! Jackalopes are a Wyoming thing.

      Once again, Texans are trying to grab onto something — anything — they can be proud of. (I thought jackalope were a Dakota thing, but they’re all Wyoming.) Plus, the world’s largest and second largest jackalopes are in Douglas, Wyoming, proving, too, that things are not always biggest in Texas.

      • Did some of my growing up in the Texas Panhandle and love those long ten mile vistas where you can stand and see forever and also feel like you may be the first person to ever see the place (if you ignore the long lines of newly planted wheat). And I also grew up on beanless chili. Good stuff, and stuff Texans don’t give enough credit to Mexico for.
        Glad to hear someone else knows what a Jackalope is. :-)

        • That big horizon and wide blue sky are the things that I miss from North Dakota. I am guessing it’s similar in the panhandle (except there’s no way to get away from the wheat fields in Dakota … except when there’s a foot of snow over the top of ’em!)

          OK … now that I know that YOU lived in Texas, I’ll soften up a bit. I’m rather fond of Austin actually … those bats really are one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen.

          I’m a vegetarian, so I’m not really Texas-ready. But, since it’s a little frosty in Virginia this morning, you’ve inspired me to make some spicy hot chili for dinner. But, if not for the beans, our bowls would be empty! :)

          • My niece is from Houston. A number of people I know from Texas assure me that Houston isn’t really part of Texas, but she thinks of herself as a Texan. She assures me that you could never survive in Texas as a vegan. I know that’s true in the Panhandle (at least when I lived there).
            And I dearly love Austin. Enjoy your chili. Do you eat it with cornbread?

            • Of course! One of my Yoga students brings me fresh-ground cornmeal. So, I guess it’ll be authentic Virginia cornbread!

              There are some dee-lish vegetarian restaurants in Austin … we would be fine there, but it might be tough if we strayed. (Sometimes it’s tough here on the outskirts of Appalachia!)

  2. I too was pulling for both the Astros and Rangers. I thought they both had it going and that the Rangers would be in the WS with the Cubs. I do not enjoy watching the Royals and during the last month of the season, finally wearied of Toronto.

    At this point in the season, I’m only hanging around for the Cubs.

    • You’ve been waiting a long while “hanging around for the Cubs” and they’re a really good team (it’s nice to see former Orioles make good, even if it is with another team) … I hope you enjoy the ride! :)

  3. You forgot that Farrah Fawcett was from Texas? Byron Nelson? Sammy Baugh? And your boy Doak Dozier was (obviously) named for Doak Walker. And did I mention Farrah Fawcett?. But no, a vegan could exist there, but you couldn’t thrive.

    • I’m still a bit surprised that I had never before noticed that there is an ENTIRE freezer case in our local store filled with boxes upon boxes of the stuff. I admit that I’m a bit of a “shopping cart snoop” and now I’m on the lookout to see if people actually buy it. So far, nada. :)

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