Sea Monkeys, Math, & Football

Come September, you start to see a lot of “baseball is better than football” essays. Baseball fans have been compiling these lists for years.

None, of course, is better than George Carlin’s “baseball vs. football”.

And, so I share it with you here.

Sadly, in a moment of weakness, I started to compile my own list.

It was stupid. And, so I stopped.

If you love baseball, then you already know why it will always be far superior to football.

In the same way that cats and dogs are far superior to Sea Monkeys. Which is to say VERY, VERY Super Superior.

steviesept

Stevie: Purrfect

sea monkeys

Sea Monkeys: Bitter Disappointment

If you’re still wavering, I don’t know what I can say to convince you. Maybe you watch football the same way many NASCAR fans watch auto racing — just waiting to see someone get smooshed, flattened, tackled, or sacked.

Baseball avoids carnage and bloodshed whenever possible. When it does happen, no one cheers. This, bottom line, is why it will always be superior to football in my book.

Hey, I know football. I was a San Francisco 49ers fan for many, many years. But, I boycott it now, because it is increasingly grisly, unnecessarily violent, and has destroyed the quality of life for many former athletes (from NFL-level players to the unfortunate high school and college players who are reminded about rough hits when the arthritis starts to set in around age 30).  I yammered on about my boycott last season here.

Oh, sure you can Google “football is better than baseball” and some links will come up.

I found a list of 25 reasons – shared by CBS Sports. Why is football better than baseball? I kid you not, this was reason three.

#3. Football statistics are simple and involve little mathematics to compute.

If the lack of math is really the thing that makes football superior, I’m still marveling that this guy was able to coherently count to 25 for his list.

OK, let’s try a little football math:

2 Touchdowns + 1 Touchdown – 1 Missed Point After + 2 Field Goals + 1 Safety = How Many Points? *

OK, how about this:

1 3-Run Homer = How Many Runs? **

Oh, goodie, there’s more.

#17. Coaches spend more time coaching in football. Baseball managers only manage.

This doesn’t even make sense. It’s gibberish.

#23. Football rivalries are bitter and plentiful.

You’re joking, right?

Dodgers vs. Giants? Yankees vs. Red Sox?

Yankees vs. everyone else?

Baseball teams play 162 games a season – even more if you make it to the playoffs and World Series. 162 games is a lot of games and a lot of time to brew some historic rivalries.

Heck, baseball rivalries are so hot, even the managers get in fights – as the Orioles’ Buck Showalter and Yankees’ Joe Girardi proved just a few nights ago. Click here. (Go Buck!)

If you’re a football team and you’re playing another team just once a season, if that, I’m not sure how a lasting rivalry can even start. “Hi, you must be the Jacksonville Jaguars. I guess we’re playing you today. Gosh, I didn’t even know there was a team here. What state is this?”

His number one reason why football is better?

#1. Football is the ultimate team sport. All 11 players are involved on every play.

Does he even realize that an entirely DIFFERENT football team plays offense than the one that plays defense? Add in special teams – and it’s a THREE-TEAM “team sport”. As I’m sure you know, a baseball player is expected to play both offense and defense (except for those pitcher/DH guys in the American League.)

What to take away from this thoughtful list?

When dining out with football fans, be a pal and offer to calculate the tip for them. It will save them from math-phobic paralysis.

Now, back to baseball.

Here’s one George Carlin missed.

Baseball is better than football, because in baseball you, the fan, can catch a ball. If you catch it, you get to keep it.

You can even bring your glove to help you out.

If you make a clean catch, the fans around you will cheer.

It happens at every game in every ballpark every night.

And, on Tuesday night, a grandmother celebrated her birthday at the Giants’ game. Took her glove. And, snagged a souvenir.

And, then she danced.

gramma+foul2

Watch it, here.

And that is why baseball will always be better than football.

Oh, and this. (Hi, Manny!)

machado4

* 28

** 3

8 thoughts on “Sea Monkeys, Math, & Football

  1. In baseball, you can also be hit by a flying bat; you won’t get to keep it, but the team and player will usually give you another (at least I’ve never seen a fan hit by a broken bat. Yikes!) Baseball is far more pastoral than emotion-charged football. This Packer fan can calculate his own tip. The managers of Buffalo Wild Wings are always glad to see him, and he revels in watching six games football games at a time. At fast pitch, I often watch two games at the same time; I can’t say I’ve done either during baseball, where it’s so much better to be at the game live. Maybe come World Series time, we’ll be treated to a coast-to-coast series between the Dodgers and Red Sox… or Orioles. It’s still a long way to October.

    • Thanks, Jim! Baseball is always better live at the park, of course! Football is always better on TV, especially during snowstorms and because there are very few “good seats” in a football stadium even when the weather is acceptable. But, good seats are everywhere in a beautiful ballpark like Camden Yards!

  2. Carlin had it right — what’s. not to love about a game where the object is to get home safe! But there will always be those macho men willing to trade away their college educated (see point #14 on the list) brains for dollars.

  3. I snagged a souvenir at a baseball game once and I did a little dancing too. Glad that didn’t make it on film. 100% agree with you. I love the game and strategy of baseball. What about a team stays on offense in baseball until they are stopped so the losing team can become the leader on any offensive stand. In football they score and the other team goes on offense no matter the score.

    • Thanks for your comments … I bet it was fun to catch that ball. And, you have a story to tell with it … how cool is that!

      I have been going to games for years and years … and have never caught a ball. The balls seem to gravitate to the people around me. Of course, the few times one has come close, I think I have ducked out of the way, rather than lunging toward it. Self-preservation, I guess! :)

      Another pro-baseball thing: The thing that so many people dislike about baseball … but that I love … is that it doesn’t follow a clock. I spend too much time in my real world being tied to the clock and getting things done in a certain amount of time, or being on time, etc. It’s so nice to be at a game where time doesn’t matter. All that matters is the play at hand, and the number of outs, and the game will unfold in its own “magic timeless time.”

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