Dear Beloved Baltimore Orioles,
Hi! How are you? Have you had a nice relaxing, restful, lazy, nap-filled off-season?
Of course you have.
Yes, you certainly have done a lot of do-nothingness. In fact, I’m not sure there’s another team that has done less than you have these past few months.
(Correction: The Cleveland Spiders have done less. But, then the Spiders disappeared in 1888.)
Sure, we all need our rest.
But, enough napping. It’s time to wipe that sleepy drool off your chin. Enough lollygagging.
Pitchers and catchers report on February 13. That’s not a lot of time.
And, guess what?
You don’t have enough pitchers.
See, a long time ago – before any of us were born – a team could get by with two or three pitchers.
Those 19th-century toughies would pitch every day. Pitch and pitch and pitch. They didn’t care if their arm fell off. (I’m exaggerating, here, dear Orioles. They probably did care if their arm fell off.)
Old Hoss Radbourn won 59 games in 1884. 59! (That’s more than Orioles starters won in 2017. All of them. Put together.)
They were unstoppable, those old-timers.
But, now they’re all dead.
And, pitchers today can’t pitch every day.
So, let me ask you this.
Where the hell are our pitchers?
I didn’t want to write this letter to you.
I really thought you would be able to figure things out on your own.
But, maybe you’ve spent a little too much time these past couple months thinking about what you could get if you trade Manny Machado.
Maybe you’ve forgotten that we have just two starting pitchers.
So, let me remind you again. We have two.
And, as I think you understand … two is not enough.
It is three not enough.
Darling, darling Orioles. Please google “Houston Astros pitchers” for me.
1 … 2 … 3 … 4 …
Now, watch closely …
And … 5.Embed from Getty Images
“We’re excited about this move,” Astros GM Jeff Luhnow told the Houston Chronicle. “This move gives us a better chance over the next two years to repeat and hopefully get another championship. … This is the type of move that helps us come closer to that goal.”
I’m a patient fan, my sweet Oriole-cookies. Really, I am. In the past 29 years as one of your most devoted followers, I’ve hardly complained. Not a peep. Oh sure, you let Nick Markakis go and that sucked. And, well, Mike Mussina, too. Suckity, suck that did.
And, yes, you’re being unreasonably cheapskatey with Jonathan Schoop.
Here’s a handy tip: If your Most Valuable Oriole last season asks for $9 million, shake a few pennies out of your pocket and just give it to him, all right?
I get this lazy-itis of yours. I do. I’m a procrastinator, too.
For instance, this letter. Clearly, I should have written earlier.
But, it’s starting to get a little late for your annual January wade through the Dollar Store as you look for a crushed-box bargain from the bottom of the clearance shelf.
Time’s a’wasting and the clearance shelf is getting bare.
Please understand, my Orioleicious Orioles. I’m not here to nag.
Maybe you’ve simply just forgotten to tell us about the pitching rotation you have lined up.Embed from Getty Images
Dylan Bundy …
AndEmbed from Getty Images
Kevin Gausman …
And … …
(This is the part where you fill in the blanks. You know that, right?)
I’d love to chat some more. Really, I would. But, I have things to do. And, I’m sure you do, too. (You do, don’t you?)
I just wanted to check in and make sure you weren’t dead.
And, to ask what you intend to do about the pitching rotation.
Can’t wait to hear from you.
Your Forever Oriole Friend, The Baseball Bloggess.