Dear Beloved Baltimore Orioles,
Hi! How are you? Have you had a nice relaxing, restful, lazy, nap-filled off-season?
Of course you have.
Yes, you certainly have done a lot of do-nothingness. In fact, I’m not sure there’s another team that has done less than you have these past few months.
(Correction: The Cleveland Spiders have done less. But, then the Spiders disappeared in 1888.)
Sure, we all need our rest.
But, enough napping. It’s time to wipe that sleepy drool off your chin. Enough lollygagging.
Pitchers and catchers report on February 13. That’s not a lot of time.
And, guess what?
You don’t have enough pitchers.
See, a long time ago – before any of us were born – a team could get by with two or three pitchers.
Those 19th-century toughies would pitch every day. Pitch and pitch and pitch. They didn’t care if their arm fell off. (I’m exaggerating, here, dear Orioles. They probably did care if their arm fell off.)
Old Hoss Radbourn won 59 games in 1884. 59! (That’s more than Orioles starters won in 2017. All of them. Put together.)
They were unstoppable, those old-timers.
But, now they’re all dead.
And, pitchers today can’t pitch every day.
So, let me ask you this.
Where the hell are our pitchers?
I didn’t want to write this letter to you.
I really thought you would be able to figure things out on your own.
But, maybe you’ve spent a little too much time these past couple months thinking about what you could get if you trade Manny Machado.
Maybe you’ve forgotten that we have just two starting pitchers.
So, let me remind you again. We have two.
And, as I think you understand … two is not enough.
It is three not enough.
Darling, darling Orioles. Please google “Houston Astros pitchers” for me.
Look!
1 … 2 … 3 … 4 …
Now, watch closely …
And … 5.
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“We’re excited about this move,” Astros GM Jeff Luhnow told the Houston Chronicle. “This move gives us a better chance over the next two years to repeat and hopefully get another championship. … This is the type of move that helps us come closer to that goal.”
I’m a patient fan, my sweet Oriole-cookies. Really, I am. In the past 29 years as one of your most devoted followers, I’ve hardly complained. Not a peep. Oh sure, you let Nick Markakis go and that sucked. And, well, Mike Mussina, too. Suckity, suck that did.
And, yes, you’re being unreasonably cheapskatey with Jonathan Schoop.
© The Baseball Bloggess, August 2017
Schoopy!
Here’s a handy tip: If your Most Valuable Oriole last season asks for $9 million, shake a few pennies out of your pocket and just give it to him, all right?
I get this lazy-itis of yours. I do. I’m a procrastinator, too.
For instance, this letter. Clearly, I should have written earlier.
But, it’s starting to get a little late for your annual January wade through the Dollar Store as you look for a crushed-box bargain from the bottom of the clearance shelf.
Time’s a’wasting and the clearance shelf is getting bare.
Please understand, my Orioleicious Orioles. I’m not here to nag.
Maybe you’ve simply just forgotten to tell us about the pitching rotation you have lined up.
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Dylan Bundy …
And
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Kevin Gausman …
And …
And … …
And?
(This is the part where you fill in the blanks. You know that, right?)
I’d love to chat some more. Really, I would. But, I have things to do. And, I’m sure you do, too. (You do, don’t you?)
I just wanted to check in and make sure you weren’t dead.
And, to ask what you intend to do about the pitching rotation.
Can’t wait to hear from you.
Your Forever Oriole Friend, The Baseball Bloggess.
The Baseball Bloggess 
Oh I hear you…Seems to be a tad light in Rockie-Ville on the acquisition side or even resigning of players…was it extra ordinarily light pickings or what? 30 days…best get kicking.
You avoided arbitration with Charlie Blackmon … which is great! I think the Rockies haven’t done much in the off-season, because they don’t have to. Plus, a pretty strong farm system. You might be nearly set for 2018!
What a relief on Charlie – yes that just happened…Cargo has been on the block since fall and no one has picked him up. But we will always need pitchers…
To quote many “financial planners”: “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail” – or something similar… What?!? Do they think maybe Manny can pitch?!? Even if so, that would still would leave them 2 short. I think even the small-bankroll Twins brought in a warm body or two, as they taunt us about being serious about signing Darvish-san. The imminent arrival of mid-February is an humorless good news/bad news joke.
I’m enjoying watching the Twins spend some money … it always makes me happy when smaller market teams like the Twins and O’s get the chance to spend a little. The O’s are hinting that they can stuff 3 of last season’s relievers into starting jobs. Or, me, I guess. Maybe they will ask me.
There’s still an Old Hoss out there waiting to be signed. Now that he’s forty something, Bartolo Colon is a mediocre pitcher but he’ll give you as many innings as you need and he’s a great dude to have around. Manny might want to stay just so he can hang with Big Bart.
I have to agree. He served that function well last year in MN
I would take my favorite Baseball Dumpling — Bartolo — in a heartbeat. (He’s the one PED cheater that we’ve all forgiven, isn’t he? I think we’ve all forgotten about his suspension with the A’s. I’m willing to forgive anyway … I hope he’s got a few more seasons left in him!) :)
Love the fact that baseball will be back soon, which means a road trip to my favorite baseball park, Orioles Park at Camden Yards. I’m a Yankees fan but I hope you guys find some way to keep Manny Machado. Maybe the Orioles will get another pitcher.
I think Manny knows his days in Baltimore are numbered and he’s probably fine with that. He deserves — and will be paid — way, way more than small-market Baltimore could ever scratch together. Take good care of him, SportsDiva, I think he’ll be coming to your town … if not this season, then next!
Everyone keeps saying that Machado will come to the Yankees . I actually hope not. But I don’t want the Red Sox to get him either.
It seems a whole lot of teams are doing a whole lot of nothing. Tigers and Reds have done jack and squat, also. Seems no team wants to shell out big bucks to the free agents, and in a way I don’t blame them.
-Mike
This has been a peculiar off-season. Maybe teams are saving their pennies for next season’s crazy-deep free agent class: Harper, Machado, Kershaw, Miller etc etc. It’s filled with top players … none of them will come cheap. You could win the World Series just cobbling together a team from next season’s free agents.
Observe the Master Plan of your rival Detroit Tigers–my babies, my froshus kitties–in the off season of 2016-17: they signed Jordan “I’m Tired” Zimmerman and Mike “So Many Line Drives!” Pelfry to expensive contracts to “eat innings.” Both ate little except baseballs hit back at them with uncommon velocity, and their bloated pay checks continue to cause the Good Ship Tiger to list dangerously in the shallow waters of Cellar Cove. Pelfry has been sold for experiments and Zimmerman remains due to having been secured to the roster with an industrial staple gun, but the point is, bodies alone aren’t necessarily helpful. Perhaps Jim Palmer, Mike Flanagan and even Steve Dalkowski could be re-animated or Pet Sematary-ed and inserted back into the Oriole rotation. Just a suggestion. In any event, good luck to the O’s as they do their bit to dissolve Red Sox Nation and their golden statue of Kevin Youklis in mid-seizure.
You’re a Motor City Kitty fan? Welcome aboard! And, congratulations … because Artie Lewicki is awesomeness. He won’t win the Cy Young for you (well, maybe he will, but I don’t think so), but I hope he becomes an excellent part of your rotation. (I have his Tigers jersey which he signed. Since he only appeared in one game, maybe I have his ONLY jersey.)
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